{3:48 minutes to read} I was working with a couple recently that was having a great deal of difficulty agreeing on how to modify their existing parenting plan. It happens frequently with parents who have lived apart for an extended period of time: Their values change, and it creates problems as they co-parent their growing children.
Julie and Paul had been divorced for three years and have a daughter, Ellen. Julie had recently joined a new church with her fiancée and his children, and they brought Ellen there on Sundays. Ellen would attend a service and participate in scheduled activities with the other children.
Although Paul did not share the same religious beliefs, he did not object to his daughter attending the church and related activities.
The original parenting plan had the parents splitting the weekends; Paul had parenting time with Ellen on Saturdays, and Julie had parenting time on Sundays. Now, Julie wanted them to begin alternating weekends so that each parent could have an extended period of time with Ellen. Julie did not, however, want Ellen to miss the church functions every other Sunday. Julie wanted Paul to bring Ellen there on the weekends that Ellen was with him.
Paul objected to this. He felt that it was inappropriate for Julie to schedule Ellen for any activities during his parenting time. They had previously agreed that any extracurricular activities would be mutually agreed upon if they were to affect the parenting arrangement. This request felt unfair to him as it would interrupt his extended parenting time with Ellen.
Julie felt that church was not an extracurricular activity. She felt that it was an important part of Ellen’s upbringing and that Paul should be supportive of this. Paul pointed out that they did not attend church when they were married. He did not feel it was as important as Julie did.
This type of conflict happens to couples frequently after divorce. Their values may change and with that, how they feel their children should be raised. Sometimes, a new spouse with a different parenting style or religious background can interfere with a parenting plan. It’s challenging to co-parent a child and have different rules in different households.
Paul and Julie eventually reached an agreement. They would change the parenting plan to alternating weekends and Ellen would miss church every other Sunday. However, if there was a special church event that interfered with Paul’s parenting time, they would switch weeks as long as Paul was given enough notice to plan accordingly. Paul also agreed to support Julie’s new religious beliefs so there would be consistency for Ellen in each of her homes.
This arrangement worked well for everyone; Paul also had an opportunity to switch weekends if he wanted to plan something special. Most importantly, this arrangement showed Ellen that her parents were willing to work together and compromise in an effort to make things easier for her.
What differences in parenting values have you encountered? How have you addressed these differences?
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