10 Critical Mistakes People Make When Getting a Divorce!

 

Critical Mistake # 1: Thinking with Your Heart Instead of Your Head!

The decision to seek a divorce or separation, in most cases, is a difficult one. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of thought. Your mind is torn between many different emotions: confusion, anger, frustration and fear, to name just a few.

  • Should I stay or leave?
  • Will he or she change?
  • How will a divorce affect me?
  • How will it affect the children?
  • What about a “trial separation?”

These and many other thoughts go through your mind as you consider what to do.

One of the most difficult decisions you will make is how and when to tell your spouse. Because the breakup of a marriage is often the result of a breakdown in communication, neither of you may have really heard what the other has been saying. Therefore, it is not uncommon for one spouse to be taken by surprise when the other announces that he or she is seeking a divorce or separation.

If you are the spouse that feels blindsided, you may be months behind emotionally. You have not been struggling with the pros and cons of getting a divorce or separation. You may have thought that, although there were some difficulties in your marriage, these difficulties were not serious enough to lead to a separation or a divorce. As a result, you may be hurt and angry.

Unfortunately, this may cause you to lash out at the person who hurt you by initiating a divorce action, believing that will make you feel better. A harmful and costly court battle is often the result.

And it is not only the spouse who is hurt and angry that causes the couple to become involved in a court battle. The spouse who had first considered the divorce may now be in a hurry to “get things moving,” putting pressure on the other spouse to act. He or she is tired of waiting and, having made a decision, is anxious to get on with his or her life. The pressure to act is often in the form of legal action.

Rather than initiating legal action, it would be far better for both of you to understand the emotions of the other.

  • If you initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your spouse may need time to consider and digest it. You probably did not reach the decision to separate or divorce overnight, and your spouse is going to need some time to come to terms with this as well.
  • If you are not the one who initiated the idea of a separation or divorce, realize that your spouse has probably been considering this for a long time. While you may need time to “catch up,” you should understand that your spouse is ready now and may not be willing to wait indefinitely.

So, unless it is absolutely necessary, don’t retain an attorney and allow him or her to initiate legal action. Wait until both of you have come to terms with the idea of a separation or divorce. Only then will you be able to make intelligent decisions. In short, let your head catch up with your heart. The result will be better for both of you.

Critical Mistake 2: Paying a Large Retainer to File a Divorce Action

A retainer is an advance fee that you pay a lawyer, which is in effect a down payment that will be applied toward the total fee charged.

The reason why a lawyer requires a retainer is that, if you stop paying them, they must obtain the permission of the judge before they can stop representing you in a court action. Since many judges are reluctant to grant this permission simply because the lawyer is not getting paid, the lawyer wants to collect an advance fee to cover as much of the time spent on your case as possible.

In the capital district of New York, a retainer fee is usually anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000 depending on the complexity of the matter and the experience of the lawyer. If you retain a lawyer, your spouse will probably need to retain a lawyer as well. That means that $10,000 to $30,000 of the family’s funds will be spent on retainer fees!

The only reason to retain an attorney is when you must file a court action right away due to an emergency. This might include your spouse taking the children from the house or leaving and refusing to pay the household bills. In those situations you may need to go into court right away.

If you don’t have an emergency, consult with your own attorney if you want legal advice. But instead of retaining that attorney, pay him or her for the time and use a trained divorce mediator to help you work out a settlement agreement with your spouse.

If you do that, you will probably never have to retain an attorney and go to court!

Critical Mistake #3: Trying to Work out a Settlement on Your Own!

Many couples feel that they can save money by working out the terms of their settlement agreement on their own. That is rarely the case.

First, the most common reason why couples get a divorce is that they do not communicate well. That does not mean that they don’t talk; they might talk all the time. But they may not really hear and understand what the other spouse is saying. And if you don’t understand what your spouse is proposing, how can you agree to it?

Second, most couples may not know all of the options that are available to them. There may be ways to resolve an issue that they are unaware of or a simple solution that they don’t see. As a result, they may wind up in a court battle under the mistaken belief that they are not able to reach an agreement.

Finally, you may agree to something without fully understanding the long-term consequences. Once you find out about those consequences, you may regret what you agreed to and wish to change your mind. But this is often very difficult to do. Your spouse may feel that you are reneging on your word and can’t be trusted. You may also feel bound by what you agreed to.

A trained divorce mediator should be able to help address these concerns by:

  • Helping you communicate better;
  • Making you aware of the various options that are available to you;
  • Offering you ideas and options that might help you reach an agreement;
  • Providing you with information about the legal issues you face; and
  • Pointing out the long-term consequences so you don’t make decisions that you later regret.

In this way you will be able to reach an agreement that works for each of you, not only now but in the future.

Critical Mistake #4: Blaming Your Spouse for Ending the Marriage

When Hank and Wendy first came to me to help mediate their divorce, Wendy reported that it was Hank that wanted to end the marriage. He had moved out of the house they shared with their two children and had moved in with his girlfriend.

During the mediation session Wendy stated on several occasions that it did not feel fair to her that she had to sell her house and not provide their children with everything they had before Hank left the house. Since he was the one that had decided to end the marriage, Wendy blamed Hank and felt that he should suffer all of the consequences and that her life should not have to change.

Of course, Hank was not able to provide Wendy with what she was seeking, since the only way to do so would be to give her his entire paycheck. As a result, it was very difficult to help them reach an agreement that both felt was fair.

Even if your spouse is 100% to blame for your marriage ending, blaming him or her will not benefit you, since that keeps you focused on the past. The only way to move on with your life, as Wendy discovered, is to focus on your future.

You need to focus on how you are going to take care of yourself and your children with your “new normal.” While this is often difficult under the best of circumstances, it is almost impossible if you are dwelling on the past and blaming your spouse for wanting to end the marriage.

While it might be difficult to do at first, you will be able to get on with your life much faster if you are able to let go of the past and focus on your future.

Remember, you cannot change the past; the best you can do is control your future by learning from your past experiences and trying to create the “best possible outcome under the circumstances.”

Critical Mistake #5: Involving Your Children

No matter how hurt and angry you may be with your spouse, your children need both a father and a mother. Involving your children in any way as you are working through your divorce is definitely a critical mistake.

Trying to alienate your spouse, using your children as a go-between, and being disrespectful or allowing others to do the same when the children are around will only cause them pain and confusion, which will have lasting effects.

Imagine how difficult it would be for a child to show love and affection toward a parent that the other parent hates. As parents, we do our best to protect our children from anything that may cause them emotional pain, yet some parents are so angry and hurt, they forget something very important: No matter what your spouse did, he or she is still your children’s parent, someone they love and look up to and count on. Children should never feel guilty or conflicted about their feelings toward their parents.

As a parent, you should always honor and protect the established bond that your children have with your ex. They need to know that, above all, they are loved unconditionally, and that they can continue to openly love each of their parents. Remember, the end of your marriage has nothing to do with your children, and it is important that they understand that they are not to blame.

Criticizing your spouse or blaming him/her for the end of the marriage is understandable, but make sure you do not vent in a way that your children can hear. If you are on the phone with someone, make sure your children are not within range. If you are complaining about your spouse to the neighbor or a family member, make sure the children are not within earshot.

When speaking to your children about your ex, choose your words carefully, because someday you may come to regret things you said in anger.

Critical Mistake #6: Leaving the House Before an Agreement is reached

A spouse leaving the house is often one of the reasons couples wind up in court. Even if the two of you have talked about things and believe you have an agreement worked out about the bills and the children, it is not uncommon for misunderstandings to arise that lead to a court action being started.

Things often get tense between you and your spouse when you are getting a divorce. Because of this tension, it is tempting to want to remove yourself from the situation by leaving the house. By doing that, however, you are leaving yourself open to a lot of financial and emotional damage.

First, if you leave without an agreement, in writing, as to what bills each of you are paying and how any children are being supported, you leave yourself open to a support petition that your spouse can file in the local Family Court. Since you may not know in advance what the court will do, you may wind up paying support to your spouse, who is still in the house, in an amount that does not leave you with enough to pay your own bills.

Second, if you have children and you leave them behind in the house with your spouse, you have created a presumption that your spouse is going to be the custodial parent. This means that the best outcome you are likely to have is seeing your children during some designated times/days set forth by your spouse.

You could try to take the children with you when you leave, but if your spouse objects, he/she can file a petition demanding that the children be returned to their house. A court is almost certainly going to require you to do so unless you can demonstrate that some harm will come to the children if they remain in the house with your spouse.

Finally, after you leave the house, your spouse may have little incentive to reach an agreement. After all, it is unlikely that his/her life is going to get any better once an agreement is reached, so what’s the rush. This means that it might take months, if not years, for your spouse to agree to something that you can live with.

While it might be uncomfortable to remain in the house with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, it is far better to stay put until at least the important issues are worked out. That means you have a written agreement as to how the two of you will raise and provide for your children, how you are going to divide up any marital assets and liabilities and how you will each pay your bills.

If you feel that staying in the house places you or your children in danger, call the police. They can deal with your safety concerns. Short of that, stay put until you have a written agreement that has been signed by each of you.

Critical Mistake #7: Becoming Involved with Someone Else

Even if you meet someone long after you felt that the marriage was over, it is possible that your current spouse will still feel that this other person contributed, at least in some way, to the end of your marriage.

Involving someone else allows your current spouse to justify any unreasonable position he/she may take during the divorce. After all, you are with someone else who probably contributed to the end of the marriage, so why shouldn’t you pay? Waiting until after the divorce is final will render this issue moot in your negotiations.

You are just ending one relationship. While it is certainly understandable to want companionship, you are not doing anyone a favor by jumping into a new relationship before you have brought closure to the one you are still in. Too often such a “rebound” relationship is no better than the one you are leaving.

Shouldn’t you take some time to get to know yourself and recognize how you contributed to the end of the marriage, as well as consider what qualities you are looking for in another person, before you become involved with someone else?

Critical Mistake #8: Thinking a Cheating Spouse Will Get You a Better Deal

When Tom found out that Donna had been cheating on him, he followed his family’s advice and hired an expensive lawyer, intending to “take her to the cleaners.” After spending many thousands of dollars on a contentious court battle, the judge ruled that he was not entitled to anything more than he would have received had Donna not had an affair!

Many people are under the mistaken belief that they are entitled to a better financial settlement because their spouse had an affair or is guilty of some other form of misconduct. The reality is that, even before New York adopted a No Fault Divorce law in 2010, the courts rarely “punished” a spouse for “marital misconduct”. And if they did, it was only when the court found the behavior of a spouse was “egregious,” meaning that it offended the sensibilities of the court.

The other reality is that courts are not interested in hearing testimony that will not change the outcome. While most judges care about what happens and are trying to create a fair result, they simply don’t have the time to address matters that will not change that result.

An affair often causes the “innocent spouse” to lose trust in his or her spouse. This lack of trust carries over into other areas such as finances. So, verify all the financial information he/she is providing; check all his/her financial records. But don’t let this lack of trust prevent you from reaching an agreement that is in your best interest.

If you recognize that there is no better settlement for you because your spouse had an affair, you will be better able to settle with him/her so you can get on with your life.

Critical Mistake #9: Taking a Hard Position

Your spouse is never going to agree to something that he/she can’t live with. Refusing to negotiate on an issue that you know he/she feels is unreasonable is a critical mistake. As long as you maintain your immovable position, the process can’t move forward.

The best way to find a solution is to ask: “What would it take for you to compromise on your position?” While this might sound counterintuitive to those that look at divorce as a battleground, it is the best way to find a solution. Once your spouse sees you being reasonable, they are more likely to do the same. This changes the conversation, and allows the two of you to work together to reach an agreement that can meet both of your needs.

Remember: divorce mediation is about looking ahead, not backward. By focusing on areas of agreement rather than on areas of contention, you can create an outcome that allows you each to begin to heal.

Critical Mistake #10: Ignoring Your Health

Going through a separation or divorce can be incredibly stressful, so don’t forget to take care of you. Surround yourself with people who can support you and with whom you can confide. If you feel that talking to a mental health professional would be of benefit, make an appointment. They are very well equipped to help you deal with your feelings.

In times of stress, alcohol, tobacco, or illicit drug use can find their way into daily life, as an escape or a way to cope. Unfortunately, misuse of these things will usually exacerbate the problem and will prevent you from feeling better. These substances can also compromise your overall health and safety not only during but after the process.

Consider some form of physical relaxation, such as yoga. Get enough sleep and exercise. All of these things will help reduce stress, improve your mood, and keep you from turning to habits that are harmful.

Above all, remember that you are not alone. Asking for help can be difficult, but finding healthy ways to cope with how you are feeling can make your separation or divorce a little less stressful. These healthy habits will also carry over and benefit you as you move forward with your life after the divorce.