I am Not a Neutral Mediator

{3 minutes to read}  In my previous post, I addressed a concern raised by a client about my neutrality. In this post, I detail why, as a divorce mediator, I do not take sides. However, that does not mean I am neutral.

I do not sit quietly on the sidelines watching the action. Instead, I look out for the interests of each person during the course of a mediation session. How do I do this? I do it by:

• Raising up any concerns I might have regarding the proposals either of them might be making;
• Providing each of them with the legal knowledge (information) that they might need to make informed decisions; 
• Offering suggestions and ideas of ways to resolve any issues that might come up during the course of the mediation;
• Making sure they each understand the limits of the advice they might obtain from their own attorney; and by
• Pointing out to each of them the future consequences of their decisions.

What I will not do is assist one person to the detriment of the other.

For example, I was recently working with a couple who had reached an agreement on everything except for support. Between sessions, mom went to see an attorney.

When they came back for the next session, mom informed dad that her attorney had told her that she was entitled to spousal support (alimony), in addition to child support.

Dad became very upset by this, partly because he felt blindsided by the fact that mom went to an attorney without first informing him, and partly because he felt that she was not entitled to anything more than child support.

As a result of this new issue, it looked like the two of them might end the mediation and become involved in a costly and difficult court battle. 

In trying to help them avoid ending the mediation, I explained to dad that mom went to a lawyer because she was afraid to make a mistake that she would have to live with for a long time. Since he made quite a bit more than she did, support was a very important issue to her and she wanted to get it right.

I then turned to mom and explained that, in addition to the guidelines that are used to determine the amount of spousal support, there were also “factors” that a court would use to determine if there should be any spousal support at all. (See my prior post Spousal Support and the New Guidelines.)

After some discussion, mom agreed to give more consideration to her request for spousal support and dad agreed to an amount of child support that both thought was appropriate. 

While there is still no guarantee that this will end with an agreement, by looking out for each of them, I was able to help them see things from the perspective of the other person and increase the chances of finding a solution that worked for both of them.