Divorce: A Child’s Perspective

{4:30 minutes to read}  When parents make the decision to end their marriage, one of their biggest concerns is the impact that the divorce will have on their children. This is something that is almost always raised by parents during our initial consultation, and remains a theme throughout the divorce process.

Sometimes, this concern results in parents staying in an unhappy and often unhealthy marriage in an effort to spare their children any pain. While this may work for a period of time, it is important to understand that modeling an unhealthy relationship can also have a negative impact on children, not to mention the emotional toll it takes on parents.

In divorce mediation, I work with parents to create plans that will honor each of their relationships with their children, and hopefully, provide them with a clear roadmap to help navigate co-parenting. It is not always easy to co-parent, especially when trust has been broken as it often has. But at the end of the day, children will always fare better if they see their parents united, working together, behaving respectfully toward each other, and providing consistency.

I recently conducted a survey of adults whose parents divorced when they were children (under the age of 15) to see what they took away from the experience. I asked them what their parents could have done differently to lessen the impact on them, and what helped them when they were going through it. Here is what they had to say:

My parents divorced when I was 12, and I was very sad about it at first. I had support at school and after the initial transition, I was fine. I think the thing that helped me the most was that my parents were always nice to each other when my brother and I were around. I’m sure they had disagreements, but we never knew it. — MAO, age 43 

I was 9 when my dad left. He moved in with another woman and I only saw him occasionally. I didn’t like staying with him because I thought his new girlfriend (eventually wife) was the reason my parents split up. Looking back now, I think my stepmom and I would have had a better relationship if he had waited before moving in with her. — AML, age 40 

When my parents divorced, I was 10 years old and it was awful. They argued all the time and I was often the one who they vented to. It was a difficult way to grow up, because I felt like I had two lives that were very different. I wish they would have worked together instead of making their problems mine. — HRM, age 48 

I was 3 years old when my parents split, so I didn’t know what was going on. It was fine because going back and forth was normal for me. I think being so young made it easier because I don’t remember my parents together. — REB, age 37 

I knew that my parents were unhappy, so when they divorced, I was not surprised. I was 15 and my sister was 19. I remember being relieved because they were both happier after the split and I liked doing different things with each of them. They got along much better, too. Looking back, they probably should have divorced sooner. — CRC, age 34 

I was 6 when my parents split up, and I remember them telling me that I was going to have a new room, and that was exciting to me. They didn’t make a big deal about it, so being upset or sad never occurred to me. Growing up, my parents continued to do things together, even after they both remarried. I always liked having both of them there for important events, such as birthdays and my high school graduation. It was great that I didn’t have to split those occasions. — BME, age 27 

Are you an adult whose parents divorced when you were a child? What are your reflections from this time in your life?