Many of my divorce mediation clients want to know how and when to tell their children that the marriage is over. The information I have outlined below was taken, with permission, from my friend and former board member of the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation, BJ Mann.
First and foremost, tell the children together! And be sure not to blame your spouse for the end of the marriage. Instead, simply tell them that the two of you have agreed to end your marriage and live separately.
Second, do this as soon as possible after you have made the decision to end your marriage even if you do not have everything worked out.
If they ask what you are doing or how this is going to affect them, simply say that this is something the two of you are working on, and that you will let them know as you have things worked out.
Third, practice what you will say ahead of time. Try to anticipate the reaction of your children and have a plan on how you will deal with their tears, their questions or what you will do if they leave the room.
Fourth, give the children permission to share this information with anyone they wish. Secrets equal shame and this is not something to be ashamed about. And since your children should not hear about this from anyone but you, be sure you tell them before you tell the wider world!
Fifth, plan a family activity together for after you tell them. Go to a movie or a playground; go out for dinner or an amusement park. Just do something together to avoid having your children go off by themselves to try and deal with this privately.
Telling your children your marriage is over is like taking off a bandage; it is almost always better to do it quickly. While they might well experience pain, children are resilient. They will do fine if you do fine. And if you control the outcome by mediating your divorce, you all will do fine.
Feel free to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information in the Comments Box below. Also, please forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in its topic.
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Thank you and BJ Mann for this brilliant advice. This is one of the things that worries couples the most and these guidelines offer a way forward.
This is one of the most important issues facing divorcing parents and their children. Great article. It’s so important the parents are united on this and have prepared answers to the obvious questions their children will have.
You should also stress that the split-up is NOT your children’s fault.
Great advice Dan. Plan for the answers to the questions the children will ask. Tell them with everyone in the room and remind them that your role as their parents will never change. Also, perhaps a hug or two wouldn’t hurt.
Nice article, Dan. I love the part about inviting the children to share the information about the divorce freely, with whomever they wish. Secrecy imposes shame – so true! A parent telling a child to keep something private – even something neutral – implies that there is something wrong, less than, undesirable about the object of secrecy. Perhaps even more importantly, this behavior shifts an inappropriate burden to a child – putting him in the position of protecting the family, possibly by disguising or hiding what he knows to be true. No child should be encouraged to keep secrets in order to demonstrate loyalty. Thanks, Dan.