Guilt and Consequences

“Think before you take that Guilt Trip.”

Joe and Mary had been having marital difficulties for some time when they were referred to me by their marriage counselor. Though Joe did not agree, Mary had finally decided that further counseling would not work and that they needed to separate. During the meeting, in reference to her decision, Mary said, “I’m not very popular around the house these days”.

Apparently their two teenage children were also very unhappy about the separation and were blaming “mom” for upsetting their lives. Feeling guilty, Mary had decided that she would be the one to leave the house since Joe clearly did not want to leave and she felt the children would be even more upset with her if their dad left.

While mediation is all about “self-determination”, I feel a responsibility as the mediator, to make sure that couples carefully consider the consequences of any decision, and especially a decision that appears to be the result of guilt. In this instance, because mom is a school teacher and is available to be home with the children after school, during their vacations and during the summer, is it really the best decision for her to leave the house? Have they thought about next summer, when the teenagers are left home alone all day? Have they considered whether mom will have access to the house if dad is not home?

If these issues have been carefully considered and addressed, then there is no reason why mom should not be the one to leave. But if they have not, I want Mary to be sure that she and Joe do not regret a decision they might be making as a result of the guilt she is now feeling. Neither of them will be happy with any decision that is made without taking the possible future consequences of that decision into consideration.

To be continued…