How to Tell Your Spouse

While it is often difficult being the person who first initiated the idea of ending a marriage, remember that your spouse may not have given this the same amount of thought as you. As a result, they may not have accepted the fact that your marriage is over.

The guidance provided here is a path to allow both of you to move forward.

Once you have decided that your marriage is over, you need to focus on how you are going to process the end of the marriage. The choices are generally mediation or litigation. Following these four rules will help you move the situation forward.

1. No Defending Yourself: When you inform your spouse that you want to end your marriage, they may start blaming you. Do not defend yourself. Every time you do you are fueling the same old conversation you have been having for months or years.

2. No Persuading: You will not persuade your spouse that the marriage is over by reminding them that neither of you are happy or that the kids are miserable. Those points just fuel more of the same conversations that you have already had.

3. No Negotiating: If your spouse expresses concern about future living arrangements, finances or how this may impact your children, your response should be: “I don’t know how we will do this. We will have to figure that out. We will have a guide to help us, either a mediator or an attorney.” Do not negotiate or agree to anything at your kitchen table when you are both scared and angry.

4. Next Step: You then say: “We can choose to do this cooperatively by meeting with a mediator together; or we can both make appointments with separate attorneys. It’s your choice. We just need to get started by (establish a date).” And then stick to it.

Counseling: If you want to explore the “why” and “if only” of your marriage, then both of you need counseling, not mediation or attorneys. You need a guide to help you navigate the issues and their resolution. If you could have mended your marriage at your kitchen table by yourselves, you would have done it already.

If you choose counseling, consider agreeing to a finite number of appointments, usually between 2 and 4 sessions. You both must commit to show up at the meetings and be open and honest. The other half of the commitment is for both of you to agree to reevaluate your relationship at the end of the designated number of appointments. Having a timetable forces the decision and increases the urgency of deciding your future, whether together or separate.

This article was taken from some information I obtained from BJ Mann, a friend and a mediator in Rochester who has graciously allowed me to provide this information to my clients.