It’s December and You Haven’t Told Anyone, Yet

{4:24 minutes to read} The timing of a separation is something to which many couples give a lot of thought, especially around the holidays. It is not uncommon for me to meet with a couple in November or December and have them tell me that they do not wish to begin the process until January. They agree to a “holding pattern” that includes not sharing their decision with friends and family until after the holidays.

I can certainly understand the reasoning behind this: they are worried about the reaction their loved ones will have to the news, and they don’t want to dampen the spirit of the holidays. Perhaps they are worried about a strong reaction from their spouse’s family and want to avoid the potential conflict, or they want to have one last holiday together for their children. Keeping the impending separation a secret, however, can make this last holiday even more emotional and stressful.

Despite these difficulties, I have seen couples navigate the holidays prior to announcing a separation/divorce very successfully. Here are some of the things they have done:

• Change a few traditions: Some people use this holiday as an opportunity to introduce a subtle change to traditions. This can be helpful in retrospect for family members, who can see that small changes can be embraced, and make larger changes more easily accepted in the next holiday season after the separation/divorce is final. 

• Share the news with someone who can keep their emotions in check: If you choose not to share the news with everyone, you may find it difficult not to talk about what you are going through. Being able to confide in someone might help relieve some of the anxiety; however, choose someone who you know will be able to support you without making your spouse feel uncomfortable. 

• Be prepared: You have decided to hold off on sharing the news, so be prepared to “put on a good face” and do a little acting if necessary. Be mindful of your interactions if you don’t want to raise suspicions. 

• Come up with a plan to “Get to January”: Sometimes, my clients want to meet with me once before they get started, to create a plan for navigating the holidays. It can alleviate some of the stress if each person has a clear understanding of how things will work:

•Do we go as a group to family functions or not?

•How will we pay for any gifts?

•Do we make some small changes or pretend that nothing is different?

•When will we tell our children/family/friends?

What if you decide to go ahead and tell everyone?

Some couples decide to just rip the band-aid off and break the news. Once the news is out in the open, they can show their loved ones that they are still committed to celebrating together as they always have. I have seen this work very well with couples, particularly those who have both accepted the separation and are comfortable with their decision. This can also be reassuring for children, to see that despite the separation, their parents are able to cooperate and share the holidays.

While this may work for some, it will not work for everyone. As part of your “Get to January” plan, you may want to discuss who you will be seeing over the holidays and take the time to think about how it will affect them before deciding when to break the news.