Parental Alienation

While I guess it should not surprise me, I see many court cases that deal with a parent who is so angry with his or her former (or soon-to-be former) spouse that they allow that anger to put their children in the middle of a court battle.

In New York, and I suspect many other states, custody is determined by applying the “best interest” of the child standard. While this is a very subjective test, it is based on a number of factors that include:

• maintaining stability for the children;

• the wishes of the children;

• the home environment of each parent;

• each parent’s past performance and fitness;

• the parent’s ability to provide for the children’s overall well-being; and

• the willingness of each parent to foster a positive relationship between the children and the other parent!  

This last factor consistently stands out as a litmus test in awarding custody, especially in a close case where none of the other factors favor one parent over the other in a significant way.

All things being equal, a court will often award custody to the parent who demonstrates a willingness to foster a relationship between the children and the other parent. And perhaps more importantly, a court will not hesitate to remove custody from a parent who consistently refuses to support the other parent.

I don’t mean financial support; the “support” I’m talking about is the willingness of a parent to put aside the differences that he or she might have with the other parent, and encourage the children to have a meaningful relationship with that other parent. It includes:

• not speaking ill about the other parent in front of your children;

• not making your children feel guilty when they want to spend time with the other parent; and

• not making plans for the children when the other parent is scheduled to spend time with them.

In short, it means treating the other parent as though he or she was an important part of your children’s lives. Because, whether you like it or not, he or she is an important part of their lives.

The moral of the story: even if it was not in the best interest of your child to have a relationship with his or her mother or father, it is in YOUR best interest to encourage that relationship, because your failure to do so could result in the loss of custody of your child.