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Thinking with Your Heart Instead of Your Head Can Be a Critical Mistake!

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Thinking with Your Heart Instead of Your Head Can Be a Critical Mistake!

Critical Mistake # 1:  Thinking with Your Heart Instead of Your Head!

Thinking with Your Heart Instead of Your Head Can Be a Critical Mistake! by Daniel R. Burns

{4:06 minutes to read} The decision to seek a divorce or separation, in most cases, is a difficult one. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of thought. Your mind is torn between many different emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, and fear, to name just a few.

  • Should I stay or leave?
  • Will he or she change?
  • How will a divorce affect me?
  • How will it affect the children?
  • What about a “trial separation?”

These and many other thoughts go through your mind as you consider what to do.

One of the most difficult decisions you will make is how and when to tell your spouse. Because the breakup of a marriage is often the result of a breakdown in communication, neither of you may have really heard what the other has been saying. Therefore, it is not uncommon for one spouse to be taken by surprise when the other announces that he or she is seeking a divorce or separation.

If you are the spouse that feels blindsided, you may be months behind emotionally. You have not been struggling with the pros and cons of getting a divorce or separation. You may have thought that, although there were some difficulties in your marriage, these difficulties were not serious enough to lead to a separation or a divorce. As a result, you may be hurt and angry.

Unfortunately, this may cause you to lash out at the person who hurt you by initiating a divorce action, believing that will make you feel better. A harmful and costly court battle is often the result.

And it is not only the spouse who is hurt and angry that causes the couple to become involved in a court battle. The spouse who had first considered the divorce may now be in a hurry to “get things moving,” putting pressure on the other spouse to act. He or she is tired of waiting and, having made a decision, is anxious to get on with his or her life. The pressure to act is often in the form of legal action.

Rather than initiating legal action, it would be far better for both of you to understand the emotions of the other.

  • If you initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your spouse may need time to consider and digest it. You probably did not reach the decision to separate or divorce overnight, and your spouse is going to need some time to come to terms with this as well.
  • If you are not the one who initiated the idea of a separation or divorce, realize that your spouse has probably been considering this for a long time. While you may need time to “catch up,” you should understand that your spouse is ready now and may not be willing to wait indefinitely.

So, unless it is absolutely necessary, don’t retain an attorney and allow him or her to initiate legal action. Wait until both of you have come to terms with the idea of a separation or divorce. Only then will you be able to make intelligent decisions. In short, let your head catch up with your heart. The result will be better for both of you.

Daniel R. Burns

Attorney & Mediator
1187 Troy Schenectady Road
Latham, NY 12110
Phone: (518) 529-5200

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