In order to keep up with the current divorce law in New York, I subscribe to a variety of services that contain summaries of recent cases. Many of these cases involve custody of children and almost all use the phrase “the best interest of the child” in determining what to do when the parents are not able to figure out for themselves what is “best” for their children.
Unfortunately, in almost all of these cases, the courts continue to use the word “visitation” when discussing the time one parent spends with his or her children. I think it’s time that changed!
In my divorce mediation practice, I inform my clients from the start that they will never hear me use the word “visitation” unless I am talking about one of them spending time “visiting” a friend or relative who is in the hospital or in jail!
When you are spending time with your children, you are not visiting with them and they are not visiting with you. Being a parent means you are involved in your children’s lives and engaged in the process of raising them.
As a parent you:
- Provide them with a positive role model
- Help them with their school work
- Listen to their problems and concerns
- Play and have fun with them
- Guide them in learning life’s lessons
- Discipline them when they need it.
Being a parent is so much more than being just a visitor.
While all of this might seem petty, I believe that words create an outcome and that what you believe becomes reality. And if you believe the role you are playing in the lives of your children is that of a visitor, that is what you will become. Perhaps more importantly, if you feel the role your former spouse is playing in the lives of his or her children is that of a visitor, that is also what your children may come to believe.
So be sure you parent your children, don’t just visit with them. Hopefully, if enough people use this terminology and ban the word “visitation” from our vocabulary when referring to the time a parent spends with his or her children, the courts and legislature will follow suit.
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Thank you so much for this post! As a stepmother of 2 kids for almost 12 years, I’ve seen firsthand the pain that the “visitation” attitude has inflicted on my husband. It has helped erode his relationship with his children, and helped change his status from “father” to “friend” (and provider of money, car, etc.) This is despite his still-current 50/50 joint legal and physical custody. It started when the older kid neared the age of 14 – the age when we were told a kid can decide (despite, in our case, a legal and successful 50/50 arrangement for 8 years) where to spend their time. Suddenly the kids told us that per their mother, “her attorney said it’s better to have one place to live and one place to visit,” despite the legal (and successful) 50/50 arrangement. I’m certain that had my husband’s time with his kids not been gradually defined by the ex and her attorney as “visitation,” his relationship with them would be stronger and healthier. As you noted, I hope that attorneys, mediators, the courts and divorcing spouses all take note and CHANGE this terminology.
Quite apt. Perhaps it would be appropriate to call this time Parenting time. And the Court should allow this on a case to case basis depending on the circumstances of the case and its requirements – the ‘best interests of the child’ being the watchword as always.
Excellent point, I also get rid of ” primary residence”, “equitable distribution”,” custody” and other negative terms——Mitch Bullene
Words are powerful and effect the way parents view their role and their responsibilities. The US courts continue to use “Visitation” which prompts me as a mediator to encourage a discussion with the parties regarding their perspectives of parenting and usually to an agreement to use “parenting time” as a reflection of their time with their child/children.
Your insight is spot on! Thank you for bringing that to the surface. The father of my children did not show up in any way for our children….today there’s NO communication or interaction, instead he uses Facebook to show off his adventures with other people, calls them his family and it has deeply hurt our children.
Wish we had known about all the mediation tools then!